RELAX!!!

*Request
"3..2..1, 1..2..3- what the HECK is bothering me?!"- Carl Winslow's calming mantra from Family Matters in his attempt to calm himself down....


It's crazy how we go through our daily routines and forget to see ourselves... how tired we are, eyes looking puffy and dark-circled, body shutting down, or nerves being shot to Hell. Everyone else can see us, and we look CRAZY and angry majority of the time! I constantly have to be told to "sit down, don't pick up those clothes, close your eyes and don't look at your phone!" by my significant other (S.O.), and for my sake I heed what he says because I take on a lot, and I hear all the crazy stuff I say when i'm tired and run down.... not a pretty sight for a pretty lady. So, i'm writing this as a note to all busy women and men to let you know that you're not alone in this "hyper-busy" world, and I ask that you take more time to care for yourselves so you don't burn yourselves out. How? Well, here's some advice that was given to me, and a few things I've come across:


1. I'm not good with pills, but I'm doing better with taking multi-vitamins, Gingko, and a couple of women supplements to keep my energy going and my body fueled. My S.O. would be proud of me, because I would go for weeks forgetting to take them and he'd have to tell me "don't wait until something is wrong with you to start caring about yourself" every time I get sick or get wiped out! So, go to your local health food store or Pharmacy to see what works best for you and take them every day as prescribed!


2. My S.O. bought a Jack LaLane juicer so he can drink to a more healthier self, and invited me to join him. I have to admit, the fruit and veggie juices he makes are great and gave me more energy than coffee! Yet, the real fun is DOING the juicing- taking the time to cut apples and cucumbers takes a lot of focus away from what's going on around you, then smashing them down against the blade and seeing all the colors mixing together is the most relaxing experience I've ever had in the kitchen! Try it, your mind and your body will thank you!


3. I found a Yoga app for my iPhone! I've only done the 30 minute version once, but it was a great way to stretch my muscles out and feel some mental release! I'm working towards doing this exercise in the mornings before work or after the kids are put to bed, so I can get my mental peace going! I also want to try Zumba so I can dance all that stress away and look gooooood!!


4. Breathing may be overrated, but it's something your body needs to do! I found some breathing exercises to help my vocal cords, and as I would do them I felt a lot calmer in 15 minutes than I did in 8 hours at work! When things get hectic, step out the room and go to a place where you can close your eyes and just breathe slowly for a count of 10. Sometimes I visualize a more calm, in-control Leslie at the end of it, or myself sitting by a beautiful willow tree on a Summer day.... the choice is yours.


5. Epsom salt baths, my favorite tea and cookie, a good book or movie under a warm blanket (Snuggies don't count...), stretch out on the carpet and lay there for awhile, do a silly dance by myself or with the kids, pray and meditate on the blessings I have and what I want to draw towards myself, LAUGH, find my hairstylist so she can wash my hair and super-massage my scalp- whatever comes to my mind i'm doing it, and you should do the same! 


Best of luck to a calmer, relaxed, less than insane YOU!!

Pieces to the puzzle of YOU...

I happened to catch an opening recap of "Girlfriends" where Lynn told Joan she wanted to find her biological father, stating, "I'm not looking for the magic key to unlock my soul, I just want to know where I'm from!" I had to take a step back and reflect on how much I can really relate to that statement, because my life puzzle is still being put together. My sister and I got a chance to be reunited with our birth family, meet family members that we never knew of, and learn about where the maternal half of ourselves came from. Over the last 2 years my uncle, sister, and David have been looking for my father to help complete this puzzle of mine. 


I've never met my birth father before, but I remember a picture my mom showed me when I was little- he was tall, skinny, and light-skinned. Name? Carl Washington... And that name stuck with me for a very long time.  My sister and I have different fathers, and we met her father and his family a few times before he got the boot from mom about his "extra" activities. We went through a lot of drama, relocations, and changes over the years until we were taken away from mom and placed with a non-kin family, and that spiraled into other internal, emotional problems within my sister and I. Although we both came out of our situations safer, better, and have started our own families, I still feel that majority of those changes and problems would've been cut down if my father had been permitted to stay in my life, and if he had fought harder to be there despite my mother saying "we don't need you". Or maybe my sister's dad if he wasn't so abusive and selfish....maybe not, but at least 1 birth father would've been better than none and having to deal with your mom's boyfriends and the Hell that came with them. 


 I've thought about what I would say to him, how he would look now and what he would say to me. All the questions I'd have to ask to see how similar or different we are, learn about his side of the family, how he met mom and felt about her, and get the other side of the truth about them breaking up. To keep any anger or blame at bay, I wrote him a letter to get my feelings out and update him on what happened in our lives while he was away- the details alone would make him sick, and to see a tear roll down his face would be payment enough for me.


 I am grateful that my children don't have to go through the hurt, loss, and confusion that many people have experienced besides myself. I get to live vicariously through them as I watch them grow up with great parents like ourselves, but more specifically with a father that cares for and nurtures them with a passion as he gives them what he wished he had as a kid. Sometimes I get a little jealous, but I would rather see the cycle of good energy start with my children than them experience what David and I went through. 


 Last week, David took another look on Facebook and friended a guy that could be my father. At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to meet him, but now I want to see the other half of where I came from. I restarted my Ancestry.com account and revisited my family tree to learn more about my family and see if I find any info on my father.... Stay tuned.

Random blessing: connecting with old friends and new people that turned into Kindred Spirits this year is so refreshing! It makes life so much more fun!

"In _________ we Trust...." (repost)

"If truth be told- say it loud, say it bold, make sure your words hold their weight like Gold...." -LNN (me)

One topic that my S.O. (significant other) and I talked about for years was about Trust- deeper than your typical "cheaters vs loyalty" relationship trust, or general "Honest Abe vs The Liar" trust.

so let's talk about Trust, shall we?

When we speak of trust most of us only look at this basic angle of how well or often we give the truth in words and actions . The tricky thing is that someone will give you the truth based on the depth of your questions, and may not assess it any further than that. The term "the proof is in the pudding" makes sense now when you literally apply it this way:

1. Your expectations from the "advertisement" of the product (i.e., a box of banana pudding looking delicious in a festive bowl)
2. The ingredients (content/what it's made of)
3. The results (could be the best or the worst dang banana pudding ever!)

Now, try applying this logic to people... Based on what you see and what they "advertise", getting to know them to see the "content", then really seeing what type of person you get- the results could turn out really good or extremely bad!! This may show how far you can trust this person to be what and who they really are at their core, their experience/actions (past or present), and how they display themselves to others. Some "lie" intentionally to hide from or hurt others, overreach to be more than what they are, or "honestly" just aren't aware enough of themselves to know who they are at that moment. Whichever the case, we have to be aware of how our "truths" and "lies" can affect others and the energy this can bring- good and bad.

Example: If someone you just met asked you "Can you cook?", you may naturally answer "yes!" because you may remember cooking with family growing up before you left for college. Then you may be asked follow up questions like "ok, can you cook _______?" and based on your memory of past holidays and dinners you may say Yes to many of these questions. Now, based on your actual experience you may be telling the truth...However, for those who didn't take a fair assessment of themselves before answering these questions may not have thought about the fact that it had been about 5 years since you cooked for ANYONE or yourself as you were in college most of the time and came home during the holidays to help cook but never cooked those things by yourself. Thus, your skills and habits will be put to the test to reveal IF you're a master chef, a student who's open to learn, or better off taking orders... then the results will show if you can be "trusted" to cook a decent meal that others can eat without being poisoned.This doesn't mean that you're a horrible liar, you just didn't take the time to assess what your skills were against the question that was posed to you.

I remember a phone conversation that I overheard while waiting on the Red Line train, where a woman was breaking up with someone. The phrase that stuck out in my mind was "I trusted you based on what you told me, and I made my decisions and changed my life around that..." WOW- it really helped those past discussions with my S.O. to sink in deeper about how being truthful in who you are with actions to match can affect others... and how my "truths" or "miscalculations" of myself may have affected him and others in my own life.

Do you trust yourself? Can others trust who you are and see that your actions match? Do you hide who you are from others to save face, or are you comfortable with yourself enough to admit your weaknesses (and find a way to fix them)? Are you able to look at the person across from you and say that you know who they are? I dare you to look past the surface and reassess everything you know, put it in perspective, and see where this takes you. Good luck on your journey of enlightenment, i'm still on mine :)

Random feeling: I bet it frustrates you when others take your best qualities for granted, then turn around and tell YOU they wish they had someone like that in their lives....

Starting over can be tough, never starting is scary...

Random truth: birthdays....

Every year ppl freak out over their age, instead of being thankful for another year! Age is not a death sentence, but a measure of how long you've been alive and uniquely "you", and an allowance to change and accomplish more. To remain young is to constantly grow in a healthy, vibrant, positive mindset; To be "old" is to stop growing and become outdated; death has no age at all. Be proud and true to your age!

Random truth: Dont focus on the stress, but how to "de-stress" the atmosphere you're in.

Random thought: I have mastered "the time out method" so well, mothers compliment me for my patience!

Random truth: after smoking, please make sure your gum of choice is strong enough to mask the nicotine smell!

Gratefulness!

Random truth: everyday that you wake up, you're given another opportunity to accomplish your best. So get up, give thanks, and get started!

Random Feeling: refreshed, yet sleepy... Too much "4th" fun!!

In____ we Trust.....

"If truth be told- say it loud, say it bold, make sure your words hold their weight like Gold...." -LNN (me)

One topic that my S.O. (significant other) and I talked about for years was about Trust- deeper than your typical "cheaters vs loyalty" relationship trust, or general "Honest Abe vs The Liar" trust.

so let's talk about Trust, shall we?

When we speak of trust most of us only look at this basic angle of how well or often we give the truth in words and actions . The tricky thing is that someone will give you the truth based on the depth of your questions, and may not assess it any further than that. The term "the proof is in the pudding" makes sense now when you literally apply it this way:

1. Your expectations from the "advertisement" of the product (i.e., a box of banana pudding looking delicious in a festive bowl)
2. The ingredients (content/what it's made of)
3. The results (could be the best or the worst dang banana pudding ever!)

Now, try applying this logic to people... Based on what you see and what they "advertise", getting to know them to see the "content", then really seeing what type of person you get- the results could turn out really good or extremely bad!! This may show how far you can trust this person to be what and who they really are at their core, their experience/actions (past or present), and how they display themselves to others. Some "lie" intentionally to hide from or hurt others, overreach to be more than what they are, or "honestly" just aren't aware enough of themselves to know who they are at that moment. Whichever the case, we have to be aware of how our "truths" and "lies" can affect others and the energy this can bring- good and bad.

Example: If someone you just met asked you "Can you cook?", you may naturally answer "yes!" because you may remember cooking with family growing up before you left for college. Then you may be asked follow up questions like "ok, can you cook _______?" and based on your memory of past holidays and dinners you may say Yes to many of these questions. Now, based on your actual experience you may be telling the truth...However, for those who didn't take a fair assessment of themselves before answering these questions may not have thought about the fact that it had been about 5 years since you cooked for ANYONE or yourself as you were in college most of the time and came home during the holidays to help cook but never cooked those things by yourself. Thus, your skills and habits will be put to the test to reveal IF you're a master chef, a student who's open to learn, or better off taking orders... then the results will show if you can be "trusted" to cook a decent meal that others can eat without being poisoned.This doesn't mean that you're a horrible liar, you just didn't take the time to assess what your skills were against the question that was posed to you.

I remember a phone conversation that I overheard while waiting on the Red Line train, where a woman was breaking up with someone. The phrase that stuck out in my mind was "I trusted you based on what you told me, and I made my decisions and changed my life around that..." WOW- it really helped those past discussions with my S.O. to sink in deeper about how being truthful in who you are with actions to match can affect others... and how my "truths" or "miscalculations" of myself may have affected him and others in my own life.

Do you trust yourself? Can others trust who you are and see that your actions match? Do you hide who you are from others to save face, or are you comfortable with yourself enough to admit your weaknesses (and find a way to fix them)? Are you able to look at the person across from you and say that you know who they are? I dare you to look past the surface and reassess everything you know, put it in perspective, and see where this takes you. Good luck on your journey of enlightenment, i'm still on mine :)

Random thought: how many people are going to be decked out in Red, White, and Blue and say the word "Fireworks" tomorrow? Be Safe, Happy 4th of July!!

Random Truth: "I can't hear you!"

Why do people think that I can hear them talking when I'm clearly wearing headphones?

I'm waiting for the bus to go to work, then this guy in a car stops at a red light and I just so happened to look over and he's talking but I can't hear him due to "Arise" playing in my ears. It looks like a silent movie, so I give him this confused look and pull out one of my earbuds (which has a silver tip on the outside sticking out of the ear, you can't miss it) very slowly. He goes on to say "CVS", so I point in the direction of the store down the street.... Then he says "no, the high school!" I say, "uh, that's out South, isn't it?" He agrees with me, but says that he thinks that he saw me before and maybe we went to school together. I shake my head and disagree, he apologizes and bids me good day.

Just when I think it's over and I put my earbud back in its rightful place, a guy walks up to the bus stop talking and pointing down the street... Luckily, my song ended and I let him know that the bus goes all the way downtown. LOL-Good morning!

Random Truth: don't be a tornado lover right now, go be somewhere safe!!

Topics: what's on your mind?

Hey there everyone! I'm opening up this blog to talk about anything that YOU as the reader would want to talk about or have me research and elaborate on. I'm interested to hear what's on your mind, so post your comments below or hit me on Facebook. Please, just keep it simple- if it's something crazy or foolish I'm not addressing it (or maybe I will and just embarrass you, your choice) Thanks!

Fathers.....

Although I remembered my mother, I only had a picture of my father in my mind from the first and last time she showed me- I never knew him,  and still haven't met him... After everything I've experienced, I'd only want to see him so I can see the other half of where I came from, and to show him what he missed out on. Growing up though, the closest father figure my sister and I had was my Uncle Tony in San Francisco. No matter the distance, he was always a phone call away and we're extremely close. 

Now that I'm a mother of one, I'm elated at the fact that my daughter and her father (David) have a special connection and he takes care of her above and beyond the call of duty. No matter what happens in life or how old she gets, this is the kind of experience she'll remember for a lifetime. To be honest, I've  learned a great deal of life lessons from  Dave that I should've learned from my parents...   
Through this, the void my father left in me is filled, and appreciating my child's father everyday besides Father's day is a must- good men are rare these days! It's unfortunate, however, that some women don't share this view.

In a past conversation, I was told that Men (especially Black men) feel it's mostly Black women who don't appreciate good men who show and prove their worth and weight constantly. What they get in return is a flimsy "thanks" (maybe), negative energy and disregard, especially when they can't provide everything that's being asked of them or make a mistake (I.e., "you [men] ain't $h@!). Yet when these guys need support or a favor that results in a positive outcome (esp. For the kids sake) the women don't come thru and/or refuse to help....putting a "convenient excuse" in front of their actions so it "makes sense"! WHY?! I can only imagine the challenges of being a man who provides and protects on a daily basis, and our Black men face so much more adversity and stress in this world.... How do these women forget that the one person that they look to for comfort and strength is his woman?!  

When will they open their eyes and give more honor and respect to the men who are REAL MEN to their families and great fathers to their children? Even when the parents separate, there are dads that still want to be apart of their children's lives to the fullest extent!! Why do THESE men get played to the left, disregarded, downplayed, and taken for granted instead of the cheaters, abusers, deadbeat dads who leave their families behind, no call/no show on the kids, and don't look back?
This behavior coming from any woman is appalling....but being a Black woman myself and seeing our black women do this makes me sick! Then I hear these same women complaining with negative attitudes and wondering where all "the good men" went... Into hiding, maybe?!  

Ladies, why is it that you can only call on "good dad/man" when you need money, talk about your drama, or when the kids are out of control? Why not call them to see how they're doing, to spend time with the kids, or just build a positive bond with them? If kids are involved, think about how much it would benefit them to see and feel that positive bond between their parents, no matter the situation! 

Make your mistakes, and go through your ups and downs, but always appreciate, support, and respect the good men, fathers and friends that they are... Don't just start on Fathers Day, start today and everyday thereafter.   
  

Meeting Mr. and Mrs. Right

After reading my blog "The Golden Opportunists", friend and fellow blogger of "Ear Hustlin'" Joe Castro raised the question "What are the right reasons a woman should want to get with a guy if women are raised to seek status/power, just like men are raised to seek beauty (in varying forms)/nurturing in a woman?" Although I can't speak for all women, I'll do my best to answer this from my perspective and what I've learned from the life experiences of others.

Now, when your parents sat you down for one of those "birds and the bees" talks, one of the topics of discussion may have been how to know when that "right" someone comes along and the "right" reasons to start a relationship. Based on how your parents were raised, they will raise you to follow the same principals and values that they learned growing up or have you learn from your own experience- this could be good or a detriment, but at some point you've learned who was "right" or "wrong" for you based on your own expectations and standards, and those people have seen you in the same light based on theirs.

Secondly, my fiance stated to me one day that women lead more with their hearts while others lead with their heads. There are good and bad reasons if you look at it from a moral standpoint, yet others may seek men out for practical, economical, traditional/cultural, or for no reasons at all. Men are sought after to complete the image and bond of a "relationship", to fill a void, pass the time, procreate children with great genes, to share bills and spend money, friendships, to boost self esteem, to keep us out of trouble, to share thoughts and ideals with, enjoy their company, gain statuses and fortunes that otherwise would be stagnant (golden opportunists), to love and give ourselves completely to, the notion of Fate, to build strong families and foundations, curiousity, fullfill fantasies and sexual needs, pure sport and games, and boredom. I could go on and on about the myraid of reasons that are deemed good or bad, but what matters is THE reason, and if there is a man that is WILLING to go along with the reason WHY they are chosen. So Mr. Castro, men can also ask themselves this same question- are you looking for "Mrs. Right for the future", "Ms. Right Now for the Night", or "Ms Right for a little while"?


So post your thoughts below: Why do you choose who you want, or decide NOT to choose at all?

The pregnancy peanut gallery

Being pregnant is a joy and a job in itself- doctor's visits, getting a great glow to your skin, gaining weight, picking baby names, baby showers, and belly rubs from strangers. Yet there is one annoying thing that we moms can agree on is having to hear from what I call the "Pregnancy Peanut Gallery". These people can vary from family members, total strangers, and friends who have kids and want to pass on helpful information. Although we know they mean well, it's a bit unnerving at times because it causes us "newbies" to worry about how we're caring for the child. After 3 years of having my first daughter, I've learned that there's a difference in giving helpful advice, and "Legends from the Abyss". All of the stories, myths, and other crazy things that your mother got from her grandmother, who got it from generations of other women about how to take care of yourself and the baby during the 9 month term and after the first year of life. These midwife tales have been passed down from so many generations that it's hard to pinpoint where they came from and if they're factual enough to apply in these modern times. So here's a list of what I've found from online research and mom-friends for the most common legends recorded, the answers that moms and doctors gave to debunk or give truth to these tales, and my thoughts to round it all out.

1. Carry low, you're having a boy; Carry high, it's a girl.

- Pregnancy-info.com: False-the way you carry is determined by muscle and uterine tone as well as the position of your baby. Weird enough, my daughter was sitting a bit high in my rib cage... but then again, I'm 5'2 and a half so she was probably right in the middle. I feel sorry for the woman carrying twins of the opposite sex if this myth was true....

2. Sleeping on your back can compress blood flow of the Vena Cava and hurt the baby.

- IVillage.com: Most docs say it's not true, but having LABOR while laying flat on your back can cause the baby more stress that way since contractions slow down the blood flow anyway. As far as sleeping goes, you can sleep however makes you feel comfortable. I was paranoid the whole time, and tense from laying on my sides so much! I actually did wake up laying on my back a few times, but would turn on my side when I realized how comfortable I was.

3. Raising your arms will tangle the umbilical cord around the baby's neck.

-IVillage: False: While growing, the baby has so much space in the womb to swim around that they often tangle themselves as they get bigger. My mother in law reminded me to keep my arms down a lot, and I did until I had to stretch or grab a cup from the shelf, then I stopped because it didn't make any sense. FYI: The umbilical cord is attached from the baby's stomach to the placenta, how can it possibly stretch far enough to become attached to your arms like a puppet?

4. You should have another child straightaway after the first one so they can grow up together.

-ME: I've read articles and heard from friends about how far apart you should have your children to ensure harmony within the household and to avoid sibling rivalry/jealousy (e.g. the older child vs the new baby). My daughter is 3 and my stepson is 7 and they play pretty good with one another until they start fighting over a specific toy or can't understand each other well enough to play certain games. I would rather have this dynamic where I can explain things to the oldest child about how to help me with the youngest instead of having two children in the same age/mental range who have to cry louder than the other to get their point across. It's nice for kids to grow up together with siblings if that's the way you plan it, otherwise don't push another child into the world to fill a quota or create a balance that might not work for you and your family.

5. When your first child starts walking at an early age, they're making room for the next child.

-ME: I haven't found any myths on this one, but I hear it all the time among family. Maybe the child just figured out an easier way to do it after watching everyone else walking around them. Couldn't it be possible that rug burns on the knees actually hurt and they don't like it? The next child comes if and whenever they're due, not because your first child decided to grow up and do what comes naturally to them. Luckily, I was on birth control before and after my daughter started walking!

6. The "pull out method" is an effective alternative to using birth control or condoms.
-ME: False- it's an alternative, but not the most effective!! (Ok, honestly speaking this is probably how my daughter was born, and maybe a lot of us reading this blog) According to many sites and medical journals, precum (lubricant for the sperm to pass thru the penis) has a very low chance of containing sperm, given that the guy has urinated, cleaned up afterwards, or didn't ejaculate before sex. This method is either hit or miss, and depending on how quick, careful, and aware your man is at pulling out, you could probably do this with ease. Otherwise, if you know that he's a little sloppy and unpracticed, or just someone you really don't see yourself getting serious about, then you better get the strongest BC or condom you can find and be consistent- whether you decide to risk it or not, always be careful!

Here are a few others to ponder over....
"If you want to prevent a hard labor, make sure you DON'T take naps. If you do, the baby will get stuck to your ribs and won't come out during labor!"

"If you eat food in front of a pregnant lady and don't offer her any, you are cursing the baby to be born with bulgy eyes"

"Wearing a Hawaiian lei around your neck will cause the umbilical cord to tie itself around the fetus' neck"

"Feeding your baby solid foods at an early age (5-9 mos) is safe, as it will give the baby more norishment than just drinking formula/milk"

I'm sure there are more out there, but at least this list will arm you with what's to come. As we moms would advise, just follow your instincts (and the advice of your pediatrician/sane family members) and you'll do just fine with your new little one. Congratulations!