Meeting Mr. and Mrs. Right

After reading my blog "The Golden Opportunists", friend and fellow blogger of "Ear Hustlin'" Joe Castro raised the question "What are the right reasons a woman should want to get with a guy if women are raised to seek status/power, just like men are raised to seek beauty (in varying forms)/nurturing in a woman?" Although I can't speak for all women, I'll do my best to answer this from my perspective and what I've learned from the life experiences of others.

Now, when your parents sat you down for one of those "birds and the bees" talks, one of the topics of discussion may have been how to know when that "right" someone comes along and the "right" reasons to start a relationship. Based on how your parents were raised, they will raise you to follow the same principals and values that they learned growing up or have you learn from your own experience- this could be good or a detriment, but at some point you've learned who was "right" or "wrong" for you based on your own expectations and standards, and those people have seen you in the same light based on theirs.

Secondly, my fiance stated to me one day that women lead more with their hearts while others lead with their heads. There are good and bad reasons if you look at it from a moral standpoint, yet others may seek men out for practical, economical, traditional/cultural, or for no reasons at all. Men are sought after to complete the image and bond of a "relationship", to fill a void, pass the time, procreate children with great genes, to share bills and spend money, friendships, to boost self esteem, to keep us out of trouble, to share thoughts and ideals with, enjoy their company, gain statuses and fortunes that otherwise would be stagnant (golden opportunists), to love and give ourselves completely to, the notion of Fate, to build strong families and foundations, curiousity, fullfill fantasies and sexual needs, pure sport and games, and boredom. I could go on and on about the myraid of reasons that are deemed good or bad, but what matters is THE reason, and if there is a man that is WILLING to go along with the reason WHY they are chosen. So Mr. Castro, men can also ask themselves this same question- are you looking for "Mrs. Right for the future", "Ms. Right Now for the Night", or "Ms Right for a little while"?


So post your thoughts below: Why do you choose who you want, or decide NOT to choose at all?

The pregnancy peanut gallery

Being pregnant is a joy and a job in itself- doctor's visits, getting a great glow to your skin, gaining weight, picking baby names, baby showers, and belly rubs from strangers. Yet there is one annoying thing that we moms can agree on is having to hear from what I call the "Pregnancy Peanut Gallery". These people can vary from family members, total strangers, and friends who have kids and want to pass on helpful information. Although we know they mean well, it's a bit unnerving at times because it causes us "newbies" to worry about how we're caring for the child. After 3 years of having my first daughter, I've learned that there's a difference in giving helpful advice, and "Legends from the Abyss". All of the stories, myths, and other crazy things that your mother got from her grandmother, who got it from generations of other women about how to take care of yourself and the baby during the 9 month term and after the first year of life. These midwife tales have been passed down from so many generations that it's hard to pinpoint where they came from and if they're factual enough to apply in these modern times. So here's a list of what I've found from online research and mom-friends for the most common legends recorded, the answers that moms and doctors gave to debunk or give truth to these tales, and my thoughts to round it all out.

1. Carry low, you're having a boy; Carry high, it's a girl.

- Pregnancy-info.com: False-the way you carry is determined by muscle and uterine tone as well as the position of your baby. Weird enough, my daughter was sitting a bit high in my rib cage... but then again, I'm 5'2 and a half so she was probably right in the middle. I feel sorry for the woman carrying twins of the opposite sex if this myth was true....

2. Sleeping on your back can compress blood flow of the Vena Cava and hurt the baby.

- IVillage.com: Most docs say it's not true, but having LABOR while laying flat on your back can cause the baby more stress that way since contractions slow down the blood flow anyway. As far as sleeping goes, you can sleep however makes you feel comfortable. I was paranoid the whole time, and tense from laying on my sides so much! I actually did wake up laying on my back a few times, but would turn on my side when I realized how comfortable I was.

3. Raising your arms will tangle the umbilical cord around the baby's neck.

-IVillage: False: While growing, the baby has so much space in the womb to swim around that they often tangle themselves as they get bigger. My mother in law reminded me to keep my arms down a lot, and I did until I had to stretch or grab a cup from the shelf, then I stopped because it didn't make any sense. FYI: The umbilical cord is attached from the baby's stomach to the placenta, how can it possibly stretch far enough to become attached to your arms like a puppet?

4. You should have another child straightaway after the first one so they can grow up together.

-ME: I've read articles and heard from friends about how far apart you should have your children to ensure harmony within the household and to avoid sibling rivalry/jealousy (e.g. the older child vs the new baby). My daughter is 3 and my stepson is 7 and they play pretty good with one another until they start fighting over a specific toy or can't understand each other well enough to play certain games. I would rather have this dynamic where I can explain things to the oldest child about how to help me with the youngest instead of having two children in the same age/mental range who have to cry louder than the other to get their point across. It's nice for kids to grow up together with siblings if that's the way you plan it, otherwise don't push another child into the world to fill a quota or create a balance that might not work for you and your family.

5. When your first child starts walking at an early age, they're making room for the next child.

-ME: I haven't found any myths on this one, but I hear it all the time among family. Maybe the child just figured out an easier way to do it after watching everyone else walking around them. Couldn't it be possible that rug burns on the knees actually hurt and they don't like it? The next child comes if and whenever they're due, not because your first child decided to grow up and do what comes naturally to them. Luckily, I was on birth control before and after my daughter started walking!

6. The "pull out method" is an effective alternative to using birth control or condoms.
-ME: False- it's an alternative, but not the most effective!! (Ok, honestly speaking this is probably how my daughter was born, and maybe a lot of us reading this blog) According to many sites and medical journals, precum (lubricant for the sperm to pass thru the penis) has a very low chance of containing sperm, given that the guy has urinated, cleaned up afterwards, or didn't ejaculate before sex. This method is either hit or miss, and depending on how quick, careful, and aware your man is at pulling out, you could probably do this with ease. Otherwise, if you know that he's a little sloppy and unpracticed, or just someone you really don't see yourself getting serious about, then you better get the strongest BC or condom you can find and be consistent- whether you decide to risk it or not, always be careful!

Here are a few others to ponder over....
"If you want to prevent a hard labor, make sure you DON'T take naps. If you do, the baby will get stuck to your ribs and won't come out during labor!"

"If you eat food in front of a pregnant lady and don't offer her any, you are cursing the baby to be born with bulgy eyes"

"Wearing a Hawaiian lei around your neck will cause the umbilical cord to tie itself around the fetus' neck"

"Feeding your baby solid foods at an early age (5-9 mos) is safe, as it will give the baby more norishment than just drinking formula/milk"

I'm sure there are more out there, but at least this list will arm you with what's to come. As we moms would advise, just follow your instincts (and the advice of your pediatrician/sane family members) and you'll do just fine with your new little one. Congratulations!

"The Golden Opportunists"

There are many types of women in the world, ranging in a multitude of personalities, traits, and appearances. For today's lesson: The Golden Opportunists.

*For those who've never had encounters with these kind of women, or think that you might be in a relationship with one will do yourselves a favor and take notes so you can easily distinguish them from the other classes of female.*

Kin to the original "Gold Digger" but more advanced in looks and skill (i.e., beautiful, charming, seductive, flashy, etc.) appearances can be very deceiving as they tend to mimic the characteristics of the species "The Real Woman" upon first contact (supportive, nurturing, compromising, down to earth, etc.), a chameleon of sorts. These women usually aren't on the same financial or utility (e.g., cars, house, etc) status as the men they seek; for the ones who are, they soak up the resources of others so they don't deplete their own. Like the Player's Club mantra suggests, they use what they have to get what they want- from mere charm to getting physical, they will shamelessly exert maximum energy to lure them in until they capture their target. Their "prey" consists of "The Made Man" (entrepreneur, CEO, executives, etc.), "The Baller" (good or illegal hustler), and "The Bail Out Plan" (any man who earns more or has the potential to advance further than herself).

Now, there are those who are just looking for the right man to help them out of their failing economic state of affairs (usually, "The Bail Out Plan"). Whether you're fully loaded or just starting out in your career of choice, you're only existing to solely provide for her (and the kids, if any), and she'll act accordingly based on what you can give her. She won't (or can't) contribute anything along the same level or higher as you do because her mental state is "Men being the main provider is in their nature; it's what they're supposed to do, so take advantage and enjoy". So, once they become extremely comfortable, the next phase is to plant themselves firmly in the situation (relationship or pregnancy lockdown), then controlling every aspect to ensure that the benefits continue to roll in without any disruption to her new "lifestyle". This ranges from micromanaging the money YOU earn, to blocking out other people (esp. friends) so they don't alert you about who she is.

On the other end of the spectrum exists the female who preys on men to aid them in their climb up the social/financial/career ladder. From a seat in the VIP to gaining "the right connections", this woman is vicious; she wants it all and will stop at nothing to gain it. In order to obtain control she "plants" herself in the center of attention wherever you are by working the room to steal the show and everything else connected to you- contacts, places, books you read, even ideas YOU came up with- and claims them as her own. Her focus is to use up your resources, surpass you, then leave you behind with no traces of your existence so she can take the credit for her new found "success". Other than gaining a pretty arm piece for parties, you'll get a flimsy "thanks" at the most (usually in secret, she never thanks you in public or let other people know what you've done for them) along with that empty "played" feeling as she leaves you for the next prospect.

Now, all of these women will show you some love and might actually like you, but most of the time you'll only receive the lowest form to keep you interested. In some cases, they love and admire you so much they HATE you because all of things that you have or give to them further reminds them of how much they don't have, how empty they are inside, and what they could be now had they not wasted their time on bullshit. So, guess what happens when they don't get what they want and the well starts running dry? They initiate the "Dis factor" with extreme conflict (tearing your shit up, tantrums), name calling ("you ain't shit"), and "staging" scenarios so she can find a reason to start petty fights ("finding" underwear that belongs to "another female") . Then it rises, leading the female to disregard you as a human being, disrespect you to the fullest extent of the law, disengages herself from the situation and becomes disloyal to the point where she openly seeks out other men and leaves you on the spot.

Although everyone has dealt with this species from one aspect or another (even men qualify), the reports are frequently made by African American men who confirm that the traits of The Golden Opportunist exist largely among African American women. According to "TGO" specialists Mr. Arnold and Mr. Castro (and many of their colleagues), this is due to the breakdown of the family dynamic over the years leading them to embody the term "survival of the fittest", practically rending the family unit to an "endangered species" and sticking together through "thick and thin" a scarcity. Thus, most AA men who are just starting out in their careers receive a lack of support and loyalty from AA women because they need someone who's already established or showing signs of being on their way "up". In the end, men tend to "flip" from AA women to women of other ethnicities or the AA woman with "classic white woman" traits for the type of relationships they need (aka, The Real Woman species). Unfortunately, The Real Woman has to work twice as hard to gain trust, prove and distinguish herself because their men are still cautious and jaded from previous "TGO" encounters and relationships, giving them a 50% chance for breakthrough or fail due to the male concluding that "all women are the same". To bring some light to this phenomenon, Mr. Arnold shares an example from one of his colleagues "Eric":

"Eric was just starting out in his career as a lighting and sound engineer for a very reputable company, making very decent money. So he meets this young, highly attractive lady (profession or ambition unknown) and after awhile they become serious. 2 years into the relationship, she decides that she wants to go to school in Hawaii and they continue to maintain the relationship while she's away. Within months to a year at school, she secretly hooks up with a more known, wealthier guy on the island and gets married, while continuing her relationship with Eric as if nothing ever happened. As the energies of the universe would have it, the family of the girl informed Eric about the marriage and he broke up with her. Ironically, her new lifestyle ended as her husband decided to leave and divorced her (not for another woman, just because) and Eric starts earning three times as much as he did before. So, now she has no money, housing, status, or a man and left in the sandy beaches of Hawaii probably shucking clams for a living."

So there you have it. As long as you all keep your eyes open (and your wallets secured), you can spot a Golden Opportunist within the minute you meet them, dismiss them in a heartbeat, and make time and space for The Real Woman in your world.

Introduction

Hi there,

I decided to write this blog to not only sharpen my writing skills, but to share my experiences, the experiences of others, and the truths that I have learned (and still learning) so far. I hope that in reading my posts you'll discover some truths about yourself, take the time to open your own eyes to the world around you, and just have fun reading my random thoughts from time to time- it might give you more insight into who I am, whether you've known me for years or just meeting through this blog. So, enjoy and learn!

I present to you, The Random Truth.....